More Kindergarten Komedy

Joel and I have been reviewing letter sounds. A few days ago came this gem from our little homeschooled kindergartener. This anecdote will serve you, whether you're judgmental or self-righteous. It is what it is:

I got to the letter "f" and asked him to tell me five words that start with that letter.


He paused, looked remorseful and yet curious, then asked, "You mean good words?"

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Today we were reviewing the sound that the letter "r" makes. I asked him for five words that start with that letter.

He was looking around the room for clues, so I helped him with the first one.

"If you are not poor, you are ---"

"Happy!" he said.

Right Letter, Wrong Language

It's Day 3 of kindergarten. Joel reads very well, but we were reviewing sounds that the letters A-H make. Using big flashcards, each with a picture, I asked Joel to say the sound and then five more words (besides the picture) that the letter starts with.

He was having a hard time thinking of examples for the letter "h".

So I gave him some clues.

I waved my hand. "Okay, when you greet someone, what do you say?"

He furrowed his brow in thought, then replied, "Hola?"

Bed-Man

Down in Myrtle Beach we were driving along Route 17 and Joel was reading every sign he could.

One was the name of a mattress store, but there were no clues to that fact.

He read aloud, "Bed-Man? Is he a superhero?"

Pool Funnies on Vacation

We're on vacation and in the pool this morning, Sarah was telling Joel to lay more horizontal when he swims. He tried it. He went under a little and got water up his nose. She lifted him up and said, "That was easy, wasn't it?"

"No, it wasn't easy!" he said, coughing a bit.

"Yes, it was. You swam farther."

"No, it wasn't!" he insisted. "It's my life!"

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A few minutes later Sarah saw me getting ready to head into the pool.

"Joel," she said eagerly, "Here comes Mom!"

"Oh, no," he groaned. "She's not stylish enough."

Let them be Little--a video

My Stephen made a very sweet and touching video of Joel
this week. It's Joel as a baby.
Have five years really come and gone that fast?

Click on http://zoanna.blogspot.com/2007/08/let-them-be-little.html.

Bathroom Issues

After lunch there was the usual bit of tidying up to be done by everyone. Toys, books, art supplies, junk mail to be put where it goes.

"Joel, these action figures don't go on the table. They go with your toys."

"Sarah, would you please load the dishes?"

"Stephen, can you take this basket of clothes upstairs?" I asked as he walked in the house from the mailbox. He dropped the mail on the table.

I flipped through it and said, "Oh, goody! Here's my new issue of Real Simple."


"That goes in the bathroom," Joel said, without missing a beat.

Git the boy some learnin', ma'am!

Joel was so excited today when a box of his kindergarten homeschool curriculum showed up.

"This is cool stuff, Joel. I'll teach you starting next month!"

"I want to be teached now," he said.


Think I should have ordered the kid a grammar book?

Suppository

Early this week Joel had been complaining about a stomach ache for two days. I questioned him for how long it had been since he pooped. Neither of us (nor anyone else who wipes him) could remember.

On the third day he let me give him a glycerin suppository. Twenty minutes later he had a good, healthy "go." While I was wiping him, I asked, "So, do you feel better?"

"Yeah! Much, MUCH Better! I can't believe that worked so fast!"

Then yesterday I was all nervous about playing keyboard for the first time at care group, but didn't voice my nerves. All I said, sort of half out loud to no one in particular in the kitchen was, "Man, my stomach hurts!"

To which Joel promptly prescribed a cure.

"Well, just stick one of those things up your butt!"

Playing Dad

Joel cracked me up last night. I was scrapbooking in the basement, and everyone else had gone upstairs. Jeol was ready for bed. Rather matter-of-factly, he turned to me and said, "Be sure to turn everything off and lock up."

Popular Pie

Sarah , Joel, and I were sitting in the van tonight waiting for Stephen to finish up night 2 of driver's ed.

We had Christian radio on. At 9 a.m. a preacher began his message with this line:

"Sex is the most natural high....."

Sarah and I pretended not to hear him, but to distract Joel. It was no use. Joel giggled.

"What did the man say?" I asked.

He giggled again. Then he answered:

"Sex is the most popular pie in the world."

Distort-a-Boy

Joel told me to take his pictures while he showed off his "skinny-ness." Ribs and all, here's my baby.

Then he jumped back in the sprinkler.

June 2007, Age 5

Ruined Life

Stephen brought Joel to me. Joel was in tears; Stephen was trying to stifle a laugh.

"He ruined my life!" Joel said, throwing himself dramatically onto the bed, curling up in fetal position.

"Who ruined your life? And how?" I asked.

"Stephen did! He beat me in Trouble."

Military vs. Civilian

Tonight I heard Joel playing war with two action figures.

"Kill all the civilians!" he said authoritatively.

I piped up and asked, "Joel, do you know what a civilian is?"

"No."

"It's someone not in the military. Do you know what the military is?"

"No."

"Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. Is Dad in the military?" I asked, to see if he understood.



"No, he's in bed."

In a what?

Joel's disobedience and disrespect earned him a spanking today. But I must confess the way I did it was probably less than ideal (My lame excuse is that I'm congested and feel run down physically.)

He had acted up in the van when it was impossible to receive immediate consequences. Yet he was warned.

So here we were in Sarah's room, with her on the bed and me in the chair. I said, "Joel, bend over. You're getting a spanking for doing that fake cry to try to get your way. " He bent over. "And while you're bent over, I'm gonna spank you for everything else you've done wrong today." I felt silly saying that and started to chuckle.

"Oh, that's real effective parenting, Mom, " Sarah said.

"And you're in a propriate," Joel said, laughing.

"In a what?" I said, losing all composure.

"A propriate," he repeated.

"No, I'm not, " I said, 'you're gonna get 3 swats." And he did.

Sarah then took out the Bible and began Proverbs to him. "He who spares the rod hates his son," it says, "If Mom and Dad hated you, they wouldn't spank you, but they love you,"

"You're reading it wrong!" he insisted.

"No, read it for yourself," Sarah said, and showed him Proverbs 13:24. He read out loud word by word, "He . Who. Spares. The. Rod. Hates. His. Son."

He was had. Then he was cheerful.

That's what I call a "propriate" response to discipline!~)

Belly Laugh Cures Belly Ache

Today Joel's stomach was really hurting around noon. I gave him a bath and then said I'd lay down for a nap with him. Snuggling close, I put my hand on his belly and prayed out loud, "Dear Jesus, please heal Joel. Drive out the tummy ache."

Well, he just started laughing. "Drive it out?"
"Yeah," I said, "drive the ache out of your belly." He kept laughing.
"You know like driving a car?" he asked." Like that commercial where the lady says give me thunder thighs and--"

"And a bedunkabunk butt?" I asked. He snorted and guffawed and giggled and said, "Don't make me laugh. It makes my tummy hurt." He kept laughing. I wish I'd had the videocamera to record it.

"Okay, but you know the Bible says laughter does good like medicine," I assured him.

"Then say it again!"

"Bedunkabunk butt," I said about 10 more times. He laughed and then got out of bed.


"Where are you going?" I asked. "You need a nap and then you'll probably feel better."

"No, I don't need a nap. You made me laugh so hard my tummy ache is gone!"

"Did Jesus drive it out?" I asked. That started another round of jocularity, but I somehow managed to coax him back to bed, where he slept soundly for 2 hours.

Illusions of Grandeur

I debated whether or not to post this. But it is such a male thing for my five-year-old to say.

Yesterday after Joel's shower, all I found for him in his underwear drawer were size 4. "They're WAY too small for me," he says. "I need a 6."

"All your sixes are on the basement sofa, honey. I folded them yesterday. Run down and get a pair."

"Naked?" he asked.

"Yes, and hurry! No one will see you."

He bounced toward the steps and then turned back to me, with a half-scowl, half-bragging smile on his face.

"I hate my wee-wee," he says. "It's so big I trip over it. It's almost longer than my legs!" Then he scurried down the steps.

I howled!! Oh. My. Goodness. He is such a little MAN!!!! (I told Paul and the older kids later and they chuckled till they were redfaced.)

"When I was a Little Boy"

Joel,5, had his 4 year old friend, Jack, over yesterday. It's been a good while since he was here (February). I heard Jack say, "I remember coming here when I was a little boy, Joel. I was two and now I'm four."

A little later Joel asked Jack if he wanted to draw airplanes with him. Joel uses colored pencils and a book called "Draw 50 Airplanes."

Joel: Jack, wanna draw airplanes with me?
Jack: Nah, I liked coloring when I was a little kid, but I'm big now, and I don't.
Joel: It's not COLORING. It's DRAWING!
Jack: That's okay. I wanna play Legos anyway.

Who is Mother's Day for, Anyway?

Joel has a little friend named Jack.
Jack's mom is very nice.
Joel likes Jack's mom, too.
Joel is a big gift giver.
Sarah likes to help Joel shop for gifts.
Sarah said, yesterday, "Joel, let's go out and get a Mother's Day gift."
Joel asked, "For Jack's mom?"

My Baby loves Me. I love my Baby.

He could use a haircut, I could use a diet, but we love each other "real much."

Little Brother,Big Sister

He just wanted his picture taken with
the girl he loves most.